WE BET HENSHAW GOT HIS BONUS....

The CSA has been criticised by parents

Staff at the failed Child Support Agency were paid £25m in bonuses over five years, government figures reveal.

In 2006, when the government announced the CSA would be replaced, £4m was paid out in bonuses, it was revealed in a written Parliamentary answer.

The CSA is being abolished after failing to collect £3.5bn of child maintenance payments.

For the Tories, Philip Hammond said it would come as a shock to the 1.4m families using the CSA.

"It's as easy for a rich diddyman to enter the kingdom of health as it is for a cabal to pass through the eye of an evil...."

The Squire Of Daddies Cash said...

By Jove, I'm back, yes the big digger missus! Right into your pockets!

Here again, like the proverbial bad penny, ha, ha, no such thing as a bad penny, send them to me missus, by jove. Never mind under the floor boards, my new house will be built on Williamson's Tunnels. Plenty of room there to store the grotty cash!

Now this thing is still going on about me being the Squire of Medi-cash, but todays sermon members of the parrish of St Tony, is on a subject very close to my height...Children!

Yes my missionary work with the CSA. Cash Supplied Abundantly! Now at first I wasn't sure if I should take up a position as a missionary, so i consulted Doc the Marmaliser. I said what would you think of a missionary position? He said go for it Diddy, but not in the shower, the water can go up your nose. So I thought long and hard.... did I have the skills and the ability, the passion, the committment..then I thought about the 900 quid a day.

So you see it was a personal calling for me. £900 a day, that's more than the cost of a councillors computer..nearly. But it's not the money missus it's other higher rewards...bigger heels for me shoes..no higher than that. I know what your thinking, it's as easy for a rich diddyman to enter the kingdom of health as it is for a cabal to pass through the eye of an evil.

Now, "Give me a child to the age of 7.." the Jesuits used to say, actually one of the silent orders said it first, but nobody heard them.

Give me a child to the age of 7 and I'll clear off and you'll never see a penny. That was my brief to overhaul the CSA (Cash Still Accummulating) and track down these absent fathers. Unfair to the diddy dads some may say? Come off it, they're all loaded, staying at Buckingham Palace dressing up as batman? One of them owns a crane, I've seen him danngling off it dressed as Spiderman.

Why Superheroes missus? why Batman,Superman Spiderman? If they want Justice, why not dress as Ombudsman? If they stopped dressing as Milkman there might be a few less skint kids missus. And it is heart breaking.....to think of all that missing money..

I did me reaearch by jove yes! In this day and age, children barefoot on cobbled streets huddled in doorways in our own city! A scandal... not even a pair of scandals!

If you don't believe me you can see the pictures for yourself in the Library. "Liverpool" by Gon Days. short for Gonville i think. Published only last year. So my research is up to date. An outrage!

Believe me, ladies and gentlemen I was determined that these children should get the help they need. Just imagine the difference it would make if these families had enough money to phone LDL for help. By Jove,...they'd make a fortune! Another one! keep them on hold...if they're in a phone box at least they are out of the rain..some words of comfort while they are on hold..." all our advisers are busy looking for other jobs....your cash is important to us...we are currently in a queue at the bank."

So anyway half a million later when I found me quil, i wrote my report on the back of a spare vest. I'd already sent some briefs earlier.

Sack half the staff, they are all rubbish, for the rest, purchase200 pocket calculators (only £3500 each from one of my contacts in LDL plus service charge and AA battery not supplied) and a phonebook. Then innstigate the classic sting operation to track down the Dads!

Hello is that Mr Cockie-leekie? your son Wee Hamish has won the Lottery and wants you to come home. Soon as he sets foot back in the house, turn him upside down by the ankles and shake! Please make cheque payable to Sir Diddy.

Now some people said my report was a load of rubbish and achieved nothing. Nonsense I say, look at my bank balance now missus!

Actually before I go on, I wish to withdraw something I put in earlier...behave yourself madam, not even with somebody else's tickling stick! No not hindsight for the missing dads either, I am referring to a comment about Doc the Marmaliser and misdoings in the shower. Now this appalling Blog business has been very unfair, labelling him the dirty dog and the Rottweiller..sniffing around Golden receivers. So i would like to make it clear right now that he was cleared of any wrong doings whatsoever by a stewards enquiry at Crufts.

Ahhh i wonder if he misses me. Those days sharing the council chamber pot, him lifting me on and off and then wiping my pc for me. What a gap i must have left. Is it possible that they could find somebody who could fill my shoes missus? They did show me the top 3 choices Ronnie Corbett, Jeanette Krankie and Jimmy Clitheroe..all too busy. I did hear that Little Richard was interested, but he was too busy trying to find out just who

this Tracey Parrish was. Well I can answer that...It was none other than that media menace Judy Finnigan! yes, not the first time she's tried to expose the diddies to the public! Well all I can say is that whoever was chosen as my successor, I hope he does a good job for the city. He'll never have as many hits as me, I just hope he doesn't try and do cover versions.

Arthur Askey would be my choice, yes big hearted Arthur..perhaps he was on the bee list? Is it Arthur?

Anyway ladies and gentlemen, I think I have said enough. If after reading my wise words and comments, you still think I was wrong in some of my actions as Squire...be kind to my memory.

Remember, my work for the CSA was also in recognition of my own unhappy childhood. Yes the Jesuits were right about the formative years. they can influence a man. I was after all a war baby, born durng the blitz in the bed next to Stan Boardmans act. Yes a war baby! the midwife took one look and said whooooaar, what's that?

I was a diddy baby too, delivered by tweezers. But at 3 months old I was kidnapped by Gerbils and held for ransom. Nobody would pay the 37 shillings and sixpnce they demanded and i think that is why money became so important to me in later life.

The gerbils quickly grew to loathe me after I privatised their wheel but they were afraid to bring me back because owing to a misprint on a government telegram in 1939, Britain had been at war with the Gerbils for 7 years. So they dumped me in a moses basket and floated me off down the mersey...I still sleep in it to remind me. By the time I was re-united with my diddy family, my charecter was formed.

So i can't help myself missus...actually I can and do ha ha by jove yes! But that's the man that stands here before you...here..no here...down here missus!

Well this is my last contribution to these glorious pages. I'm off to pursue another new career as a writer. i am going to team up with professor Tom Slemen, the man of Liverpool mysteries and blood curdling tales of long ago. Yes madam it'll send chills up your flannel nighty, especially when you are out going to the off licence in your dressing gown pretending to be a Pete Price listener. Me and Professor Slemen have uncovered new evidence about an old Liverpool horror story,about which i have a particular insight.

That of an evil little goblin figure who used to terrorise the good people of Liverpool, making their souls and wallets feel cold and empty, a hideous sight last seen leaping from the roof of the town hall to the municipal building and then onto the roof of all of the banks along Castle Street, leaving large filthy deposits as people cried helplessly.

Yes, you know who I mean, none other than the notorius Liverpool legend, Cuban Heeled Jack !

So Tatty bye everybody Tatty bye!

3:14 AM

HENSHAW and HEALTH - MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND

Within days of Sir David Henshaw being appointed to the Regional Health Authority, he was showing his true colours.
One of his first acts in his £40,000 a year post (plus unknown expenses, ed), was to insist that he should be appointed as Chair of the Authority's Remuneration Committee.
This is the committee which decides if a particular manager of a Trust should get a pay rise, a pay freeze, or even a pay cut (unheard of, ed).
It also sets the pay levels for new management recruits (Dr David McElhinney by any chance? ed) and decides what little perks they should get - relocation expenses, transport, hospitality budget, etc, etc.
One Gateway House insider said: "Sir David made it very clear that he regarded the Remuneration Committee as crucially important in deciding the level of rewards for senior staff and that he would take a very pro-active role as Chair."
In one fell swoop Henshaw has thus ensured the reluctant loyalty of health chiefs, who will not get the pay rise they want if they don't obey Sir Diddy's orders.
No doubt he will also use his position to pursue his all-consuming interest in making money for himself and his friends.
Interestingly the Regional Health Authority has just announced, AT HENSHAW'S INSTIGATION, that it will be adopting an American system for rewarding hospitals in future.
Those hospitals who have a good record of making patients better, will get extra money.
Paying them by results, it is called.
This was a money-driven brainwave that Henshaw brought back from the US during one of his many 'fact-finding' trips across the pond at taxpayers expense.
We just wonder what happens when a patient dies?
Will their family be able to claim a tax rebate?

THE SQUIRE OF MEDI-CASH, AKA PROFESSOR CHUCKLEBUTTY, WRITES EXCLUSIVELY FOR HENSHAW AND THE EVIL CABAL ON SIR DIDDY AND MAGGIE BOYLE....

By Jove! here i am again, being accused of all sorts!
You ungrateful Bassets!
What have I done to deserve this missus? How tickled I was to take up my new post as chairman of the Great North Western Railway Health Authority. Or whatever it's called.
To be honest,I only looked at the wages.
Mind the gap! Ha-ha, Yes, the one between credibility and salary.
Well as you know, my tickling stick can fill any gap, They can't touch you for it!
Yes, health. Of course I've been drumming up business for the health service for years, most people are quickly sick at the sight of me.
As new chairman, I was able to pick my own chair, but I still had to put four cushions on it so they could see my head over the table.
And now, here I am working in health being accused of speeding up the process to get rid of a troublesome boil!
People are saying that I was scared of her standing up to me, what nonsense! she stood up to me once and i looked her straight in the gusset and said, listen here Maggie, you'll never walk down Lime Street anymore if you carry on like this. Mind you, you can't drive down either.
So as Chairman, i excercised my authority and hid her chair for the next meeting. She was totally discomknockerated and quickly cleared off to take a new job in charge of the Veterinary surgery in Emmerdale.
i was in Emmerdale once you know missus, Ooo Arrrhh yes! In the old days when Amos Brailey was birdwatching. The script called for a little tit to come through the window of the Woolpack.... how dare you madam? No I was an extra who found a feather in his pint.
Anyway, where was I?
oh yes..do you know ladies and gentlemen, it's free for the public to dial 999? That can't be right? Lets's face it, if you are really sick you wont mind paying a few bob to phone for an ambulance.
And now when you ring them, there's no recorded message or music to listen to! What kind of customer care is that? A little Rossini will help you stop worrying about the scissors in your neck. The Thieving Magpie has always been a favourite of mine. That reminds me i must call the Doctor myself.
And this 999 service is all so gloomy. Cheer the callers up with a few shaggy dog stories, in fact I'll give you his number.
Now we all want good health and i believe that there is only one part of the body that needs treating regularly, and that's the funny bone. yes the Humourus. we all need to excercise the chuckle muscle at least 3 times a day.
First thing in the morning, I go into the bathroom, take all my clothes off in front of the mirror and look at the size of my moneybelt. Ha Ha! By Jove! One sneeze and I could hit the jackpot. Hold yer plums Diddy!!
And forget all this nonsense about obesity, it's nice to get hold of something, isn't it ladies and gentlemen, I keep piling on the pounds and that excercises my chuckle muscle every time I go to the bank.
Yes the Wealth Service is safe in my hands!!! Tatty-bye everybody tatty-bye!!!
12:46 AM

HENSHAW THE HYPOCRITE DOES A RUNNER - AFTER BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE FOR LIVERPOOL!

DISGRACED former chief executive Sir David Henshaw changed the day of his Grauniad lecture to avoid an angry public confrontation with his former media chief.
Sir Diddy begged organisers of the conference to let him speak a day early than scheduled so that he could escape a public mauling from Matt Finnegan, the city council's former AED (Media).
Sir Diddy was due to speak at the conference on Friday when Finnegan, who had been framed and suspended by Henshaw, planned to join other Merseyside delegates in questioning Henshaw about his record at Liverpool, which cost council taxpayers millions.
But when Henshaw read this blog and found out who was amongst the delegates in the audience, he pleaded with the Guardin to allow him to speak on Thursday instead, in an unadvertised slot, because he feared an embarrassing scene.
A Guradian staffer said:"Sir David has kept up to date with what is being said about him on the blogosphere and elsewhere and was clearly concerned that there would be people in the audience who were not amongst his supporters and there might be some inappropriate questioning after his speech. He asked us to bring his slot forward a day to avoid any
unpleasantness - and we were happy to oblige."
As Henshaw escaped from the Guardian Public Services Summit Finnegan, who has become Henshaw's sworn enemy, warned there would be 'no hiding place' for Henshaw.
He said: "I am obviously disappointed that Henshaw did a runner and scarpered early. He did the same in Liverpool of course, to avoid embarrassing and difficult questions.
"He will find that he can run, but he can't hide - eventually his sins will catch up with him."
During his Thursday speech Henshaw, chairman of the North West Strategic Health Authority, had the gall to blame everyone but himself for the fall-out in Liverpool and being finally shown the door.
Henshaw conveniently ignored his own personal greed, attempts at blackmail and attempted coup d'etat, and his own abuse of his personal position and power.
Astonishingly, Henshaw who took early retirement after a no confidence vote by Executive Members following his feud with Mike Storey, blamed "additional pressure from central government on council chief executives" for his bust-up.
Henshaw, who was paid £250,000 a year and left Liverpool with a £360,000 pension pay-off, said local authority chief executives were faced with pressures from the government, which 'sometimes conflicted with the ambitions of locally elected councillors and caused tensions on the ground.'
This of course, has absolutely nothing to do with his departure from Liverpool.
The tensions on the ground at Liverpool came from his own personal style - his bullying, lying and uncontrollable rages had finally become too much for the politicians to stomach any longer.
They feared that his huge ego, control freakery, arrogance and obsession with his own image was harming relationships inside and outside the city and damaging Liverpool'e reputation.
In his Guardian speech, Henshaw tried to rehabilitate his shattered reputation by posing as a defender of democracy, when as has been revealed, he had personally orchestrated an attempt to remove Liverpool's democratically elected leader.
"We are seeing more and more clashes between managerial and political leadership," said Henshaw, trying to excuse his own extraordinary behaviour and implying that the Liverpool debacle was not unique.
"Pushing responsibility towards managers by central government creates a displacement of power at local level which leads to tensions."
In other words, it was all Mike Storey's fault because he was jealous of Sir Diddy's power (and his intellectual superiority, political astuteness and personal charm no doubt, ed)
Utter bollocks.
Henshaw's immense ego, self-importance, arrogance and control freakery were beginning to alienate everyone who came across him (see Maggie Boyle's resignation, ed)
He had simply become too big for his boots (even with his Cuban heels on, ed).
There was a genuine fear for the future of the city if he carried on a moment longer.
Henshaw is now so desperate to try and re-write history (like every other dictator, ed) that he personally briefed The Guardian reporter at the conference on the civil war in Liverpool, trying to pass it off as "a professional feud" with Storey.
Wrong.
It was both a deeply personal and highly political feud which, if it had happened in Islington, the Guardian would have been splashing all over the front page as a threat to democracy.
Henshaw is well aware that he has now been publicly identified as an anti-democrat and plotter of coups.
To try and rebuild his reputation he, apparently straight-faced, told the Guardian audience:
"Unless we empower local elected politicians with real responsibility and real accountability we will not refresh the local politics that need to be refreshed and therefore reengage at local community level."
What a hypocrite the greedy little man truly is...

ANOTHER OFFICIAL QUITS AFTER HENSHAW'S BULLYING

THE CURSE OF HENSHAW has struck again...
Another senior official has quit after a bust-up with Sir Diddy (Sir David Henshaw, ed)
But this time it is not a council official, but a senior health service official who has resigned.
Maggie Boyle, chief executive of the Royal Liverpool and Broadgreen Hospitals Trust has announced that she is leaving after four-and-a-half years in the job.
Ms Boyle is leaving the £145,000 a year job and getting out of the North West into the bargain, to avoid having to work a day longer under Sir Diddy's direction as Chairman of the North West Strategic Health Authority.

Instead she is going across the border to Yorkshire to run the country's largest teaching hospital in Leeds.

But unusually for a departing senior bureaucrat, she went out of her way to make clear her views about Sir Diddy following a lengthy battle with him over plans to build a £12.5m bypass on the hospital's city centre site.
An agreement was finally only reached last year after Sir Diddy was forced to take early retirement from the city council when new council leader Warren Bradley told him to go.
Ms Boyle admitted the negotiations with Henshaw had been "difficult", mainly because he hated having to face a strong woman who would stand up to him and refused to be bullied.
She said discussions had become easier following his forced departure.
"It was much smoother once Warren Bradley took over as leader at the council. He and the new chief executive Colin Hilton have been much easier to deal with.
"It was about finding a compromise that meant both the hospital and the road could be built, because at one point it looked like we might have neither." (thanks to Henshaw's bull-headed obstinacy and opposition to any idea that did not come from his own little brain, ed)
"I'm happy that the solution we've come up with is the best for the city," said Boyle.
Henshaw, of course, will be delighted at Boyle's departure so that he does not have to face her again.

SECURITY SHOCK: HENSHAW'S GUARDIAN LECTURE FOUND ON LAPTOP - WITH GRATEFUL THANKS TO PROFESSOR CHUCKLEBUTTY!

Prof Yaffle Chucklebutty said...

Extract from the lecture found on laptop.

By Jove, missus! what a tattynefarious day, yes, when I was made Squire of Grotty Cash. Who would have thought it, from those dark days in the Knowsley Jam-butty mines to be elevated to such lofty heights. And that's not just my cuban heels. What a beautiful day for putting a shovel in your underpants and saying how's that for a Big Dig? Yes when the good burghers and some very silly burghers of Lollypool, put me in charge of Chuckle Chambers I didn't want to leave this wonderful city with tears for souveignirs but to leave you feeling full of mirth and your spirits lighter. Well i was close missus I left full of murk and with your bank balance much lighter. Of course I am now a Knight of the Realm. And what a bloody awful night it was too. Arise Sir Diddy,they said, yes please I said, so I increased my salary. But I couldn't have done it without good friends. And closest of all was Doc the Marmaliser. He helped me leave a great legacy, LDL. Lotsa Dirty Lucra. Where's all the money gone people ask. Well mostly to Charity to help a dear old lady called Beatty. A shame I fell out with Dickie Mint over silly things like the Trams and the Cloud but when he tried to offer me a bus pass to go it was only Off- peak, an insult to a man of my standing (4' 10" in my heels) and I was not going to stand at the bus stop until 9.30 missus, not with the cold windy weather whistling round your knighthood. I didn't want my investments shrinking. So i threatened to report Dickie to the to help the aged standards committee and they were shocked at what they found! Dickie had been trying topple me with his cohort, Mattymail Funniblog. Dickie had to step down from his high office and finally look me in the eye. A new experience for me! But it was all worth it, i got my pension and my full bus pass. So I think the whole issue about standards in public office that can be learned from my time in charge of the chuckle muscle of merseyside comes down to one thing Happiness! We all need to be happy and it's good to see that despite all the bigwigs driving around in their posh cars, they stil think of the less fortunate, like the Homeless and have, I believe, just invested some cash in Shelter. So the Liver Birds still stand proud and so do the pigeons on the roof of the Town Hall and as i said to the pigeons on the day I left, lets stop all this silly coo nonsense. I did what I did to stand up for Diddymen everywhere. Tatty Bye everybody Tatty Bye!!!!

4:02 AM

YOUR QUESTIONS TO SIR DIDDY HENSHAW AT HIS GREAT GUARDIAN LECTURE....

DISGRACED former chief executive, Sir David Henshaw has been invited to give a lecture on 'public service and trust' by the Guradian.
The diddy man is totally unaware that, in reality, this is a mischievous piss-take dreamed up after a lunchtime of booze by one Grauniad executive.
Specialist staff have been hired to help the high-powered audience stifle their giggles and wipe away their tears of mirth as Sir Diddy, (who blackmailed the city of Liverpool, mounted a coup d'etat against its elected leader and suspended the council's communications chief on trumped up charges, ed) takes the stage to lecture onlookers.
We have even been promised that his bete noire, former communications chief Matt Finnegan, will be at the conference and ready to confront the little dictator.
And now it's your chance to ask greedy Henshaw some searching questions.
Simply send us a comment with your question and we will post them on the blog and make sure he gets all the questions in time for his star appearance at the conference on the 26th of January. There's no time to lose!

Anonymous said...

My first question would be:

What have you got on Mike Storey?

2:19 PM

Roger said...

My question is: Were you really so arrogant that you actually believed you could get away without being exposed for trying to get rid of the Leader of the Council and the council's media chief in your own pursuit of power and personal greed?

7:18 PM

Anonymous said...

What have you done for Tony Blair that he still appointed you as Chair of the North West Regional Health Board despite protests from 7? senior MPs and umpteen Councillors and others and the resignation of a rising star junior Minister Jane Kennedy?

8:45 PM

Anonymous said...

What have you got on Colin Cover up?

8:45 PM

gary t said... Okay then,

my question to Sir Diddy Henshaw, evil being of this parish, is this: 'how does it feel to be the second most hated man on merseyside after former sun editor, sir kelvin mckenzie?'

9:32 PM

Jeremy Paxman said...

My question to Sir Diddy is this: what would you most like to be known for: your blackmailing, your attempted coup, your framing of innocent staff, your greed, your ego, or your failure to be respected, trusted or liked by anyone? Which is it, Sir Diddy?

10:48 AM

Matt Finnegan said...

I would like to set my question in context first by talking about blogs - more and more people are discovering how they can be enormously effective in getting some messages out to a wider public and exciting interest amongst the general public. They have even been known to attract the attention of MP's and leading politicians or a whole city. Blogs enable people who have been prevented by the mass media or gagged by their employers, for example, to communicate very directly with the public and ensure that people know all that they should know.I would like to ask Sir David therefore - have you ever thought of starting a blog?

12:55 PM

Observer said...

What advice would you give to other chief executives to prevent what happ

ened at Liverpool happening again?

3:58 PM

Anonymous said...

what was missing from the liverpoolevilcabal blog?

4:01 PM

Trevor McDonald said...

Aside from trying to oust the Leader of the Council and trying to frame your own staff, what was your biggest mistake?

Member said...

Will you be repaying the millions of

pounds which your successor, Colin Hilton, claims your negotiation of the Liverpool Direct deal with BT has cost the people of Liverpool?

12:26 AM

Council employee said...

Of the 42 separate recommendations made by KPMG to try and clean up your deal with BT, which do you think was the most valid? And if I may be permitted a second question: Will you ever offer a public apology to the people of Liverpool for the damage you have done and the millions of pounds you wasted?

12:32 AM

Dr mce said...

to Matt Finnegan

Do you mean this isnt David's blog?

11:07 PM

Tori Blare said...

My question is
Sir Diddy, do you feel the postings on the LIVERPOOLEVILCABAL Blogspot, and all the other blogspots born from this, contain the truth or do you feel the points are untrue and unfair to you and your EVIL friends?
What are you going to do about it?

1:29 PM

Mrs Hilton said...

Mr Henshaw
How much is your house selling for?
Can me and Colin have a private viewing?
Will you hurry up and go?

1:30 PM

Mildred said...

Where do you buy your cuban heels?

6:04 PM

Phil Hasitall said...

You tried to sack me once, but I did your bidding and assassinatated numerous good charectors.
When will I recieve my reward?
You have left me in this shithole, please sir take me with you, the natives are revolting!
My smile is wearing thin!

6:18 PM

Chas Show me the money said...

Where's my money?

Charlie Parker said...

Yes i wuz due sum maw as weill -when can i cowect my share?

9:24 PM

Anonymous said...

Are you planning to grow a long beard and thick moustache any time soon?

9:25 PM

Sir David Henshaw said...

Why are you all so horrible to me?
You all needed a kick up the arse and my cuban heels were nice and pointy just for that reason, what would you have done if you were in my shoes?
I did what I thought was right and mummy told me I deserved all the money and that I should threaten intimidate and generally treat people like the low life that they are.
Mummy broughtme a friend home one day called DOGGY STYLE, I call him Dr David, he has many friends some who smile a lot and others who keep asking me to show them the money.
Mummy told me that I needed these people to get on in the world as I could not do it alone because I am a midget.
Please stop picking on me or I will get mummy onto you all.

3:10 PM

Mike Tall Storey said...

Can I have my job back now???

3:39 PM

Nigel Ponsonby-Smallpiece said...

My question to Sir Diddy. Can you stand up to give your lecture please....oh sorry.

2:44 AM

fellow cowboy said...

Can you get stirrup attachments for those?

10:25 AM

Intrigued said...

This is 11 am on this coming Thursday excuse me Friday right?

http://society.guardian.co.uk/summit/page/0,,1942542,00.html ??

11:07 PM

Prof Yaffle Chucklebutty said...

Extract from the lecture found on laptop.

By Jove, missus! what a tattynefarious day, yes, when I was made Squire of Grotty Cash. Who would have thought it, from those dark days in the Knowsley Jam-butty mines to be elevated to such lofty heights. And that's not just my cuban heels. What a beautiful day for putting a shovel in your underpants and saying how's that for a Big Dig?

Yes when the good burghers and some very silly burghers of Lollypool, put me in charge of Chuckle Chambers I didn't want to leave this wonderful city with tears for souveignirs but to leave you feeling full of mirth and your spirits lighter. Well i was close missus I left full of murk and with your bank balance much lighter. Of course I am now a Knight of the Realm. And what a bloody awful night it was too. Arise Sir Diddy,they said, yes please I said, so I increased my salary.

But I couldn't have done it without good friends. And closest of all was Doc the Marmaliser. He helped me leave a great legacy, LDL. Lotsa Dirty Lucra. Where's all the money gone people ask. Well mostly to Charity to help a dear old lady called Beatty.

A shame I fell out with Dickie Mint over silly things like the Trams and the Cloud but when he tried to offer me a bus pass to go it was only Off- peak, an insult to a man of my standing (4' 10" in my heels) and I was not going to stand at the bus stop until 9.30 missus, not with the cold windy weather whistling round your knighthood. I didn't want my investments shrinking.

So i threatened to report Dickie to the to help the aged standards committee and they were shocked at what they found! Dickie had been trying topple me with his cohort, Mattymail Funniblog.

Dickie had to step down from his high office and finally look me in the eye. A new experience for me! But it was all worth it, i got my pension and my full bus pass. So I think the whole issue about standards in public office that can be learned from my time in charge of the chuckle muscle of merseyside comes down to one thing Happiness!

We all need to be happy and it's good to see that despite all the bigwigs driving around in their posh cars, they stil think of the less fortunate, like the Homeless and have, I believe, just invested some cash in Shelter.

So the Liver Birds still stand proud and so do the pigeons on the roof of the Town Hall and as i said to the pigeons on the day I left, lets stop all this silly coo nonsense. I did what I did to stand up for Diddymen everywhere. Tatty Bye everybody Tatty Bye!!!!

4:02 AM

HENSHAW TO LECTURE ON 'PUBLIC SERVICE AND TRUST' SENSATION - GUARDIAN'S AMAZING SENSE OF HUMOUR

DISGRACED chief executive Sir David Henshaw is to lecture on 'public service and trust' in a stunning piss-take of his mis-rule in Liverpool by The Guardian newspaper.
Chortling executives at the broadsheet have displayed a surprising and previously hidden sense of humour by announcing they have booked Sir Diddy to speak at a special summit on the future of public services.
That event would be side-splitting enough and one of the humnour highlights of the year given Henshaw's previous history in Liverpool and that he:

• attempted a coup against the elected leader of the city council

• blackmailed the city council
  

• abused his position for private gain
  

• stole millions of pounds of public money

But those clever Hampstead intellectuals at the Groaniad have gone even further, laughingly labelling the summit - in a clear and knowing reference to the diminutive diddy dictator - as "Smaller but cleverer? The coming shape of government in a changing world."
It's understood that executives on the paper will be on hand at the summit to give out hankies to the invited audience to help them stifle their tears of laughter when diddyman Henshaw gets to his little feet and pompously holds forth.
The plan to invite greedy Henshaw to the summit was apparently dreamed up in an Islington wine bar one long afternoon by an anti-establishment senior executive at the paper.
It's thought the brainwave came out of a deliberate attempt to undermine the entire credibility of the prestigious conference. (Good job the editor hasn't twigged yet, then, ed)
It's understood that, like many others, the exec had become increasingly disenchanted with the national media's obsession with the narrow Westminster village and life in London.
He had bravely decided to take a principled and campaigning interest in Henshaw's disgraceful activities in Liverpool, which have caused so much damage to democracy and the city's image , finances and interests.
The un-named editorial crusader (perhaps he is a relative of Tony Parrish? ed) believed that the disgraceful behaviour of Henshaw as a senior public "servant" who is now responsible for the North West's health service, was a cause for serious concern.
He arranged to hire Henshaw for an undisclosed fee (but we bet it's a packet, ed) in order to expose his activities and hypocrisy to a wider public.
Thus Henshaw will be addressing the two-day conference (the delegate fee is a bargain £999 only, ed) on "a new public relationship which explores in detail the relationship between public and government."
The Guardian apparently cleverly intends to demonstrate how much damage Henshaw, as a so-called public servant, caused to democracy and the public interest when he took on the elected leader of the council after their relationship collapsed.
Of course he then blackmailed the city council, suspended his media chief on trumped up charges and finally extorted a huge £340,000 pay off out of the council for agreeing to take early retirement.
The Henshaw lecture session, which is on Day 2 of the conference, will discuss "would decentralisation assist the recovery of trust"?
(Not necessarily, if the chief executive happens to be a vicious and nasty, power-mad little ego-maniac, who is only interested in how much public money he can screw out of the public purse, ed)
The summit is being held in a big posh hotel at St Albans on January 25 and 26th and will feature appearances by democractic luminaries such as Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus O'Donnell, Tory leader David Cameron (right), Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger and the paper's well informed and knowledgeable David Walker, who is responsible for organising the summit.
The original Tony Parrish whose liverpool evil cabal blog first exposed Sir Diddy's evil deeds came out of retirement to give us his exclusive reaction to the Groaniad's clever stunt.
He told us: "Many people believe the Guardian is a supremely cynical and hypocritical publication which poses as having a liberal conscience and sensibility whilst conspiring to consistently undermine all that is decent in public life and public service.
"Others feel that it is just obsessed with London politics and pays lip service to the rest of the country and serious issues which matter such as local democracy and accountability.
"But this incredibly subtle piss-take and clever ruse of inviting Sir Diddy to try and lecture people on 'trust and public service' proves that the Guardian is as committed to democracy, truth and justice as we had all hoped.
"We can all rest easy in our beds that the future of British journalism is safe in its hands."
You can check details and ticket availability of the Guardian's prestige summit at It must be a piss-take.