By Jove! here i am again, being accused of all sorts! You ungrateful Bassets!
What have I done to deserve this missus? How tickled I was to take up my new post as chairman of the Great North Western Railway Health Authority. Or whatever it's called.
To be honest,I only looked at the wages.
Mind the gap! Ha-ha, Yes, the one between credibility and salary.
Well as you know, my tickling stick can fill any gap, They can't touch you for it!
Yes, health. Of course I've been drumming up business for the health service for years, most people are quickly sick at the sight of me.
As new chairman, I was able to pick my own chair, but I still had to put four cushions on it so they could see my head over the table.
And now, here I am working in health being accused of speeding up the process to get rid of a troublesome boil!
People are saying that I was scared of her standing up to me, what nonsense! she stood up to me once and i looked her straight in the gusset and said, listen here Maggie, you'll never walk down Lime Street anymore if you carry on like this. Mind you, you can't drive down either.
So as Chairman, i excercised my authority and hid her chair for the next meeting. She was totally discomknockerated and quickly cleared off to take a new job in charge of the Veterinary surgery in Emmerdale.
i was in Emmerdale once you know missus, Ooo Arrrhh yes! In the old days when Amos Brailey was birdwatching. The script called for a little tit to come through the window of the Woolpack.... how dare you madam? No I was an extra who found a feather in his pint.
Anyway, where was I?
oh yes..do you know ladies and gentlemen, it's free for the pu
blic to dial 999? That can't be right? Lets's face it, if you are really sick you wont mind paying a few bob to phone for an ambulance.And now when you ring them, there's no recorded message or music to listen to! What kind of customer care is that? A little Rossini will help you stop worrying about the scissors in your neck. The Thieving Magpie has always been a favourite of mine. That reminds me i must call the Doctor myself.
And this 999 service is all so gloomy. Cheer the callers up with a few shaggy dog stories, in fact I'll give you his number.
Now we all want good health and i believe that there is only one part of the body that needs treating regularly, and that's the funny bone. yes the Humourus. we all need to excercise the chuckle muscle at least 3 times a day.
First thing in the morning, I go into the bathroom, take all my clothes off in front of the mirror and look at the size of my moneybelt. Ha Ha! By Jove! One sneeze and I could hit the jackpot. Hold yer plums Diddy!!
And forget all this nonsense about obesity, it's nice to get hold of something, isn't it ladies and gentlemen, I keep piling on the pounds and that excercises my chuckle muscle every time I go to the bank.
Yes the Wealth Service is safe in my hands!!! Tatty-bye everybody tatty-bye!!!
12:46 AM
Extract from the lecture found on laptop.
By Jove, missus! what a tattynefarious day, yes, when I was made Squire of Grotty Cash. Who would have thought it, from those dark days in the Knowsley Jam-butty mines to be elevated to such lofty heights. And that's not just my cuban heels. What a beautiful day for putting a shovel in your underpants and saying how's that for a Big Dig? Yes when the good burghers and some very silly burghers of Lollypool, put me in charge of Chuckle Chambers I didn't want to leave this wonderful city with tears for souveignirs but to leave you feeling full of mirth and your spirits lighter. Well i was close missus I left full of murk and with your bank balance much lighter. Of course I am now a Knight of the Realm. And what a bloody awful night it was too. Arise Sir Diddy,they said, yes please I said, so I increased my salary. But I couldn't have done it without good friends. And closest of all was Doc the Marmaliser. He helped me leave a great legacy, LDL. Lotsa Dirty Lucra. Where's all the money gone people ask. Well mostly to Charity to help a dear old lady called Beatty. A shame I fell out with Dickie Mint over silly things like the Trams and the Cloud but when he tried to offer me a bus pass to go it was only Off- peak, an insult to a man of my standing (4' 10" in my heels) and I was not going to stand at the bus stop until 9.30 missus, not with the cold windy weather whistling round your knighthood. I didn't want my investments shrinking. So i threatened to report Dickie to the to help the aged standards committee and they were shocked at what they found! Dickie had been trying topple me with his cohort, Mattymail Funniblog. Dickie had to step down from his high office and finally look me in the eye. A new experience for me! But it was all worth it, i got my pension and my full bus pass. So I think the whole issue about standards in public office that can be learned from my time in charge of the chuckle muscle of merseyside comes down to one thing Happiness! We all need to be happy and it's good to see that despite all the bigwigs driving around in their posh cars, they stil think of the less fortunate, like the Homeless and have, I believe, just invested some cash in Shelter. So the Liver Birds still stand proud and so do the pigeons on the roof of the Town Hall and as i said to the pigeons on the day I left, lets stop all this silly coo nonsense. I did what I did to stand up for Diddymen everywhere. Tatty Bye everybody Tatty Bye!!!!