PROFESSOR CHUCKLEBUTTY RETURNS.....TO PLAY SOME OF SIR DIDDY'S FAVOURITE SONGS: 'HE'S BEEN A HARD-FACED KNIGHT AND HE'S BEEN WORKING WITH THE DOG....'

By Jove missus! Can't a man slip quietly away into retirement without being hounded by this blog?

All i want to do is sit on me mushroom in the garden and every now and then get the rake out and go looking for cash. Is that a crime? It's hard for us pensioners to make ends meet, so i am forced to take on the odd job here and there. Panto is a long way off you know and there's a lot of local competition for the role of Sleazy right now. Mind you missus there is a clear favourite for Dopey, and Doc fixed himself up as soon as he knew i was off. But who on earth are they going to find to play Snow White? Ha ha by jove, that'll be like trying to find a weasel in a pay-stack.

So, I have to keep going, no rest for the wicked and no listeners either if we get the licence. yes you may have heard about my radio bid...that's the wireless missus. Bring back Jimmy Young!! What's the recipe today Jim? Usually something a bit fishy. Yes my venture into broadcasting with Dickhead FM has been resurrected again but this time for the Valleys of Wales. At least i won't have to play the bloody Beatles, those mop topped morons i had to keep praising in Liverpool. Capital of Culture missus! A bit more than "yeah, yeah yeah...", "Sgt Bradleys lonely hard up plans.", "Eleanor Rathbone" and "He's been a Hard Faced Knight and he was working with the Dog" A load of rubbish! I'll show you ungrateful turn-coats what real culture is, once I get my own 5 hour daily radio slot. Diddy David?.... Blast and discomknockerations! I may have to change my name there's another one already! Ahh I know, Diddy Dafyd, yes you see, I am still quick on me little feet missus.

Yes i will need to appeal to a Welsh audience, highlight my background in the jam butty mines, my diddy davey lamp on my head and face red with jam on my way home from the pit for a tin bath in front of the fire. A simple welsh rarebit from Fortnum and Masons warming on the Aga. First record will be to celebrate the Big Dig, "Road Rage" by Catatonia, actually that reminds me of look on the faces of the audience during my recent lecture tours "Forty Days And Forty Winks with The Squire of Grotty Cash"

People really are queueing up to see me speak. I must demand a smaller lecturn though, I get out of breath jumping up and down so they can see my head.

So missus back to Bighead FM, I am going to take the airwaves by storm, a little opera slot in the morning....no missus not Oprah! Opera...Verdi,Puccini,Lasagne. If I may be serious for a moment ladies and gentlemen, I have actually re-written Wagners Ring Cycle for modern day. In my new version Das Merseygold, starts with the blonde merseymaids guarding the Lieverpool gold and then along comes a poisonous little dwarf who tricks them all stealing lot. He renounces love and honour because he can still have lust and wealth. That is followed by The Valkries, where the blonde maidens really start to get screwed for losing the gold, you know the main tune..used in the war film film Apackofcrisps Now! Dumb diddy dumb dumb, dumb diddy dumb dumb...and by jove you were dumb!
Then there is Seigleader, the noble fool who brings about his own downfall trying to take on
the poison dwarf. And of course it all ends in tears with the Twighlight of the Dogs in Bloggerdammerung, as we see the downfall of the gods through greed, avarice and betrayal.

You see i can be serious and satirical missus and once my updated version is produced, I fully expect once again to have people worshipping my Ring...by jove back to the smut and innuendo quick as a flash!

Now before I go, i must say something about the Sir Diddy Hogwash Partnership, my little investment company to set aside something for a rainy day. If you want to be in my company and not many do, in fact so far it's just me and Lady Diddy, and she's not that keen, you can buy a share for a quid. This company could be hugely influential, alter the course of business for the 21st century.....a soon I find out what it does, we can start influencing. So come on down, the price is right missus, what's a pound to you? You already handed me 340,000 of them for nothing, by jove and there's plenty more out there!

A quick hello by the way to one of my ex Diddyrectors whom I hear is making a local comeback, Cheeky Chuck Parker. A fine young man who will go a long way, the further the better. You'll get no more out of me! I hope he can make a contribution to capital of culture, he was always full of bright ideas, always looking to dip his nib and get something down. I remember us thrashing around a few ideas about what we could do to make capital of culture a success. Like me, he isn't a fan of the Beatles (Jo Brown and the Bruvvers)and obviously a re-union was off the cards but people were pushing to get Paul McCartney involved. Charlie said that Mccartney was an idiot and had done of nothing merit since the Beatles. Well what about Wings? somebody said and Charlie replied, "Yes that would be good, we could sell wings with commemwerwative bwacelets wiv the 08 wogo on" Titters all round missus and the usual arguments followed as people walked out including Charlie saying they couldn't work amongst all the wanqours and compwete wack of wespect.

And that's what we need wespect...Respect especially for our elderly citizens...Up the pensioners! So come on, show you still care, send me a quid and buy a little bit of Diddy. After all i have done you for, support me now in my hour of greed.

And now now before Sailing by on Wicked FU here is the Grabbing Forecast...

Tatty bye everybody Tatty bye!

Sir David Henshaw